(no subject)

I've made a decision. I'm going to put on some jeans, boots and a jacket with a hoodie underneath and go write in the sand. Maybe I'll put my toes in the water, and think of you and vodka.

I need a good journal. Something small, plain, good. I want it to be small enough to fit in my bag, but large enough so that it takes more than ten words to fill a page. Maybe something 6' x 10'

I also want a camera and black and white film, something I'm going to start saving up for.

glue sticks.
cell walls.

fuck the atmosphere.

fold me over and beat me with a broom. I need to let the dust out.

(no subject)

It's time now. Time to make an attempt at soaking this pain away. I know that tomorrow walking will hurt, carrying trays will hurt and keeping myself from telling a customer off... will hurt. My body shakes while I yawn. I don't think I've been this mentally exhausted in years. So ready to, I don't even know, do something. I'll come back to day. Maybe tomorrow. Will I remember to? I doubt it. But do you care or even know what I'm talking about anymore? Do I? What am I talking about? Who reads this mindless bullshit anyway? Honestly, does anyone out there really give a flying FUCK about what I'm thinking. About what I'm babbling on about? My name is Brook and I am babbling. Understand?

I don't remember driving home

(no subject)

she knows exactly where the water gathers
she goes there sometimes
to take a drink
to clean her wounds and carve new ones
she counts how many drops it takes
to turn the water red
looking like marble cake as they mix
she can't count the scars
there are too many
overlapping, kissing, making love on her skin
memmories of pain hiding pain
and she'll soak there
the razor blade tossed carelessly aside
wanting to drown
wanting to float
sometimes she just does it to bleed
to remind herself she's alive

tears weren't enough proof of that
now for a word from our sponsors

"and when i see you
i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around, turns you around
if you feel discouraged
that there's a lack of color here
please don't worry lover
it's really bursting at the seems
absorbing everything
the spectrum's a to z
this fact not fiction
for the first time in years
and the girls in every girlie magazine
can't make me feel any less alone
i'm reaching for the phone
to call at 7:03 and on your machine a slur a plea for you to come home
but i know it's too late
i should have given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years"

i felt like typing

Name: Jen
Sex: Fembot
Age: 18
Screen Name: KillLoveSongs
Meaning: Self explanitory
Birthday: Aug 3
Place of Birth: Palo Alto California
Siblings: 2, one has been taken off the list of family members
Parents: 1 1/2: Janine and Tom
Pets: Dookie, Jagger, Gweny, Kitana, Bruce, Waffle, Annop, Eduardo
Height: 5'3
Hair Color: This
Eye Color: Brown
Eye Color of Choice: Green
Writing Hand: Same one I usually masturbate with
Current Residence: With Mommy

Nervous Habits: Putting my hair behind my ears, even when it's already there
Do you bite your nails? Yeah
Do you pick your nose? I blow it
Are you double jointed? Don't know
Can you roll your tongue? Nope
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? It's difficult
Can you blow smoke rings? No
Can you blow spit bubbles? Yes
Can you flare your nostrils? No
Can you cross your eyes? Yes
Tattoos? Yes
Piercings and where? Yes, ear
Do you make your bed daily? No

Which shoe goes on first? Left
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? Yes
How much money do you carry? None really
What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Barbell
What's sexiest on a girl/guy? Collar bone on a chick, shoulders on guy
Would you rather be on time and look OK or 10 minutes late and look great? On time
Favorite Piece of Clothing: Levis

Do you wind your spaghetti or cut it? Wind it
Have you ever eaten Spam? Once...never again
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Depends
How many cereals in your cabinet? I don't know I don't eat at home
What's your favorite beverage? Diet Coke
What's your favorite restaurant? Definatly not Dennys
What utensils do you use to eat pizza? Fork
Do you cook? Certain things

How often do you brush your teeth? At least 2 or 3 times a day
How often do you shower/bathe? At least once a day
How long does your shower last? 15-20 min
Hair drying method: Towel
Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? .
If that fountain of youth existed, would you drink it? Yes
Do you paint your nails? No
Would you rather have genital herpes or be 50 lbs. overweight? 50 lbs overweight. That can be lost, herpes is forever

Do you swear? Yes
Do you ever spit? Yes

Animal: Penguin
Food: Mashed potatoes
Month: August
Day: Saturday
Cartoon: Rockos Modern Life
Flower: Sun
Shoe Brand: Vans
Subject in school: Drama
Color: Blue
Person to talk to: Annop
Sport: VB
Body part on/in you: Lower stomach
Body part on the opposite sex: already asked this
TV show: ...dunno
Movie: Shawshank Redemption, Gia
Holiday: Thanksgiving
Book: Don't read
Vacationing Spot: Vegas or Reno
Thing to do in Spring: Nothing...allergies
Thing To Do In The Summer: Sleep
Thing To Do In The Fall: Nothing
Thing To Do In The Winter: Play in the rain
Perfume or Cologne: Cologne
TV Station: Cartoon Net or Nick
Model (Male or Female): dunno
Game: Monopoly

The CD Player: AFI
Person you talk most on the phone with: Dave
Ever taken a cab? No
Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? Yes
What color is your bedroom? Um...white I suppose. I don't really have a bedroom yet
Do you use an alarm clock? No
Name one thing you are obsessed with: Music
Have you ever skinny-dipped with the opposite sex? Yes
Ever sunbathed nude? Yes
Window seat or aisle? Window

What's your sleeping position? I don't know, I'm asleep
What kind of bed do you like? Water
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? Yes
Do you snore? Probably
Do you sleepwalk? Used to
Do you talk in your sleep? Yes
Do you sleep with a stuffed animals? Sometimes
How about with the light on? No
How about with the TV or radio on? Yes

Coke or Pepsi? Coke
Oranges or apples? Oranges
One pillow or two? One
Deaf or blind? Blind
Pools or hot tubs? Hot tub
Blondes or brunettes? Brunettes
Tall or short? Tall
TV or radio? TV
Beach or pool? Pool
Tic-Tacs or Certs? Tic Tacs
Snooze button or jump out of bed? Out of bed
Sunrise or Sunset? Set
Hamburger or Cheeseburger? Cheese
Morning or night? Night
Sports or news? News
Bikini or one-piece? Bikini

copy paste from rant to rant

I can hear the train coming, I race it to the place where the tracks meet the pavement. Maybe I can catch this one and get out of here, maybe. Red blinking lights and a striped barrier tells me it's not a good idea. But who cares what they say. If you really want it to happen, who cares what anyone else thinks. What the lights say. Where the wood, swaying in the wind, thinks you should stop. Ignore "do not stop on tracks" and the whistle blowing louder now, "No time to stop." Wake up. Death isn't reality. It's not that simple. You can't find it driving too fast, or walking on train tracks. It comes when it comes, and though sometimes I wish it would visit me, it's not that easy. It's not my time yet.

(no subject)

I wish I hadn't seen you wasn't the best idea. Not with my recent growing hatred for men, mainly fathers and ex boyfriends. I shouldn't have seen you tonight.

I want a child.

(no subject)

broadcasting my emotions never got me very far. no one tuned in. no one cared to notice the station even existed. maybe if it wasnt am, but fm...more people would realize. or perhaps just the few that i wanted to.

нет сильное чувство когда мы делать любовь

No one's told me yet when this will end. Or if it even will. I've answered my own questions time and time again but my answers are not logical, and the consequences of listening to myself unreasonable. So I'm the last person I should turn to.

Here's something to think about
A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

Ardent love.
Strong sexual desire; lust.
The object of such love or desire.

Doe's passion even exist? The real definition of sex is hiding behind what we all want it to be: making love. How is it possible to "make love" when this "love" is so close to the feeling hate. Animals mate. We don't fall in love. We don't make sweet passionate love to eachother. We fuck. But if it's so simple why does it feel so cloudy and complicated. Do you ever see any other kind of mammel long for another, or take it's life because it lost it's love? What the fuck is wrong with humans? Is this just some sick fucking joke being played by whoever or whatever is out there pulling the strings? If so, hand me some fucking scissors because I'm over it. I don't want to feel like I should refrain from making love having sex fucking you because there's a chance it makes you want me more. Think about me more. Lust. Why should I sometimes feel used? What's the point in letting it upset me. That's what women are for. We're used to breed. The men provide and them women allow the species to go on by giving birth. That's all we're good the end. Fuck feminism. Fuck "love". Fuck emotion. Fuck passion. But most of all...fuck me.

I'm out.

(no subject)

KillLoveSongs: fuck insomnia
KillLoveSongs: its made it to #1 on my death list
KillLoveSongs: flying past any and all family members, ex lovers/boyfriends and organized religion