||[24 Apr 2004|11:49pm]
I've made a decision. I'm going to put on some jeans, boots and a jacket with a hoodie underneath and go write in the sand. Maybe I'll put my toes in the water, and think of you and vodka.
I need a good journal. Something small, plain, good. I want it to be small enough to fit in my bag, but large enough so that it takes more than ten words to fill a page. Maybe something 6' x 10'
I also want a camera and black and white film, something I'm going to start saving up for.
fuck the atmosphere.
fold me over and beat me with a broom. I need to let the dust out.
||[18 Apr 2004|04:18am]
It's time now. Time to make an attempt at soaking this pain away. I know that tomorrow walking will hurt, carrying trays will hurt and keeping myself from telling a customer off... will hurt. My body shakes while I yawn. I don't think I've been this mentally exhausted in years. So ready to, I don't even know, do something. I'll come back to that...one day. Maybe tomorrow. Will I remember to? I doubt it. But do you care or even know what I'm talking about anymore? Do I? What am I talking about? Who reads this mindless bullshit anyway? Honestly, does anyone out there really give a flying FUCK about what I'm thinking. About what I'm babbling on about? My name is Brook and I am babbling. Understand?
I don't remember driving home
||[15 Apr 2004|02:45am]
she knows exactly where the water gathers
she goes there sometimes
to take a drink
to clean her wounds and carve new ones
she counts how many drops it takes
to turn the water red
looking like marble cake as they mix
she can't count the scars
there are too many
overlapping, kissing, making love on her skin
memmories of pain hiding pain
and she'll soak there
the razor blade tossed carelessly aside
wanting to drown
wanting to float
sometimes she just does it to bleed
to remind herself she's alive
tears weren't enough proof of that
now for a word from our sponsors
"and when i see you
i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around, turns you around
if you feel discouraged
that there's a lack of color here
please don't worry lover
it's really bursting at the seems
the spectrum's a to z
this fact not fiction
for the first time in years
and the girls in every girlie magazine
can't make me feel any less alone
i'm reaching for the phone
to call at 7:03 and on your machine a slur a plea for you to come home
but i know it's too late
i should have given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay
this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years"
|i felt like typing
||[30 Mar 2004|01:01am]
Screen Name: KillLoveSongs
Meaning: Self explanitory
Birthday: Aug 3
Place of Birth: Palo Alto California
Siblings: 2, one has been taken off the list of family members
Parents: 1 1/2: Janine and Tom
Pets: Dookie, Jagger, Gweny, Kitana, Bruce, Waffle, Annop, Eduardo
Hair Color: This week...black
Eye Color: Brown
Eye Color of Choice: Green
Writing Hand: Same one I usually masturbate with
Current Residence: With Mommy
BODY ILLS AND SKILLS
Nervous Habits: Putting my hair behind my ears, even when it's already there
Do you bite your nails? Yeah
Do you pick your nose? I blow it
Are you double jointed? Don't know
Can you roll your tongue? Nope
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? It's difficult
Can you blow smoke rings? No
Can you blow spit bubbles? Yes
Can you flare your nostrils? No
Can you cross your eyes? Yes
Piercings and where? Yes, ear
Do you make your bed daily? No
Which shoe goes on first? Left
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? Yes
How much money do you carry? None really
What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Barbell
What's sexiest on a girl/guy? Collar bone on a chick, shoulders on guy
Would you rather be on time and look OK or 10 minutes late and look great? On time
Favorite Piece of Clothing: Levis
Do you wind your spaghetti or cut it? Wind it
Have you ever eaten Spam? Once...never again
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Depends
How many cereals in your cabinet? I don't know I don't eat at home
What's your favorite beverage? Diet Coke
What's your favorite restaurant? Definatly not Dennys
What utensils do you use to eat pizza? Fork
Do you cook? Certain things
How often do you brush your teeth? At least 2 or 3 times a day
How often do you shower/bathe? At least once a day
How long does your shower last? 15-20 min
Hair drying method: Towel
Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? .
If that fountain of youth existed, would you drink it? Yes
Do you paint your nails? No
Would you rather have genital herpes or be 50 lbs. overweight? 50 lbs overweight. That can be lost, herpes is forever
Do you swear? Yes
Do you ever spit? Yes
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE...
Food: Mashed potatoes
Cartoon: Rockos Modern Life
Shoe Brand: Vans
Subject in school: Drama
Person to talk to: Annop
Body part on/in you: Lower stomach
Body part on the opposite sex: already asked this
TV show: ...dunno
Movie: Shawshank Redemption, Gia
Book: Don't read
Vacationing Spot: Vegas or Reno
Thing to do in Spring: Nothing...allergies
Thing To Do In The Summer: Sleep
Thing To Do In The Fall: Nothing
Thing To Do In The Winter: Play in the rain
Perfume or Cologne: Cologne
TV Station: Cartoon Net or Nick
Model (Male or Female): dunno
IN AND AROUND
The CD Player: AFI
Person you talk most on the phone with: Dave
Ever taken a cab? No
Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? Yes
What color is your bedroom? Um...white I suppose. I don't really have a bedroom yet
Do you use an alarm clock? No
Name one thing you are obsessed with: Music
Have you ever skinny-dipped with the opposite sex? Yes
Ever sunbathed nude? Yes
Window seat or aisle? Window
LA LA LAND
What's your sleeping position? I don't know, I'm asleep
What kind of bed do you like? Water
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? Yes
Do you snore? Probably
Do you sleepwalk? Used to
Do you talk in your sleep? Yes
Do you sleep with a stuffed animals? Sometimes
How about with the light on? No
How about with the TV or radio on? Yes
WHICH IS BETTER...
Coke or Pepsi? Coke
Oranges or apples? Oranges
One pillow or two? One
Deaf or blind? Blind
Pools or hot tubs? Hot tub
Blondes or brunettes? Brunettes
Tall or short? Tall
TV or radio? TV
Beach or pool? Pool
Tic-Tacs or Certs? Tic Tacs
Snooze button or jump out of bed? Out of bed
Sunrise or Sunset? Set
Hamburger or Cheeseburger? Cheese
Morning or night? Night
Sports or news? News
Bikini or one-piece? Bikini
||[26 Mar 2004|12:04am]
the trick is to keep breathing
|copy paste from rant to rant
||[24 Mar 2004|03:23am]
I can hear the train coming, I race it to the place where the tracks meet the pavement. Maybe I can catch this one and get out of here, maybe. Red blinking lights and a striped barrier tells me it's not a good idea. But who cares what they say. If you really want it to happen, who cares what anyone else thinks. What the lights say. Where the wood, swaying in the wind, thinks you should stop. Ignore "do not stop on tracks" and the whistle blowing louder now, "No time to stop." Wake up. Death isn't reality. It's not that simple. You can't find it driving too fast, or walking on train tracks. It comes when it comes, and though sometimes I wish it would visit me, it's not that easy. It's not my time yet.
||[23 Mar 2004|03:46am]
I wish I hadn't seen you tonight...it wasn't the best idea. Not with my recent growing hatred for men, mainly fathers and ex boyfriends. I shouldn't have seen you tonight.
I want a child.
||[23 Mar 2004|03:18am]
broadcasting my emotions never got me very far. no one tuned in. no one cared to notice the station even existed. maybe if it wasnt am, but fm...more people would realize. or perhaps just the few that i wanted to.
нет сильное чувство когда мы делать любовь
No one's told me yet when this will end. Or if it even will. I've answered my own questions time and time again but my answers are not logical, and the consequences of listening to myself unreasonable. So I'm the last person I should turn to.
Here's something to think about
A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.
Strong sexual desire; lust.
The object of such love or desire.
Doe's passion even exist? The real definition of sex is hiding behind what we all want it to be: making love. How is it possible to "make love" when this "love" is so close to the feeling hate. Animals mate. We don't fall in love. We don't make sweet passionate love to eachother. We fuck. But if it's so simple why does it feel so cloudy and complicated. Do you ever see any other kind of mammel long for another, or take it's life because it lost it's love? What the fuck is wrong with humans? Is this just some sick fucking joke being played by whoever or whatever is out there pulling the strings? If so, hand me some fucking scissors because I'm over it. I don't want to feel like I should refrain from
making love having sex fucking you because there's a chance it makes you want me more. Think about me more. Lust. Why should I sometimes feel used? What's the point in letting it upset me. That's what women are for. We're used to breed. The men provide and them women allow the species to go on by giving birth. That's all we're good for....in the end. Fuck feminism. Fuck "love". Fuck emotion. Fuck passion. But most of all...fuck me.
||[22 Mar 2004|04:41am]
KillLoveSongs: fuck insomnia
KillLoveSongs: its made it to #1 on my death list
KillLoveSongs: flying past any and all family members, ex lovers/boyfriends and organized religion
||[22 Mar 2004|04:12am]
changed my journal...mmm Fiona Apple
||[21 Mar 2004|11:25pm]
The lights are flickering across the country
sending signals through the sky
They're bouncing off our atmosphere
and landing somewhere they'd rather be
Bounce me back to California
Back to familiarity
and crashing waves on rocky cliffs
Drunk, broken memmories swim through my mind
I peice together all the nights
when we climbed across the rocks to avoid high tide
fearful the ocean will put the fire out
Shattering vodka bottles on boulders
and running from the sunrise
Tuck me into bed
Tuck me into California
|lack of compassion
||[06 Mar 2004|04:12am]
I'm so fucking tired of stupid people and bad drivers. Seriously, I can't take it anymore. I'm really VERY pissed off.
I'm thinking of calling into work and lying and saying my grandma died or something. I don't want to work. I hate people too much. I'm way too bitchy and sick of everyone right now. I could seriously kill someone.
I'm not going to see Dave for a few days. I need to get away from him for a little bit. I'm kind of irritated with him the past couple days. Blame it on my period, I don't care. Whatever works for you. Here comes the girl in me... I don't feel like it would make a difference to him if I was in his life or not. Mainly due to the fact that vary rarely do I get any sort of input from him regarding his feelings about me. I mean yeah...he likes me. That I know. But how many guys have liked me in my time. I need something else. I make sure he knows how wonderful I think he is all the time. And how much I enjoy him being a part of my life. Blah what the fuck ever. He's a guy. I shouldn't expect much more than an erection. That's how I feel at this moment anyway...
Time for TV.
||[22 Feb 2004|01:30am]
I can't decide if I should sleep, cry, scream, kill, cut, bleed...
I was already feeling like shit. The same thing that's been on my mind for weeks and weeks that I still haven't said out loud is continuing to bother me. Everything is rubbing the wrong way. I don't even want to see you tonight...I just hate to be alone. But being with you right now wouldn't feel right. Not when my thoughts are somewhere else.
I've been up since 8am. I could pass out in this chair I'm so fucking tired. But part of me wants to wait for you.
I left my car unlocked.
I'm going to go hide from myself.
||[21 Feb 2004|10:54pm]
i got a new bird. I haven't named him yet. I don't even know if it's a him. I don't care. I decided it's a him.
I feel like cuddling
....or breaking down in your arms.
|you should get a nametag that says flo
||[10 Feb 2004|11:59pm]
so is life
I can't seem to wash this smell out of my skin. My clothes. My hair. I smell like work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep. With these hours I don't have much time for anything. When I'm not working or sleeping I'm doing something else that needs to be done. Court. Bank. Court. Court.
"Jen car pmt $250" marked on the calendar.
It's smooth and mellow with a delicate flavor.
morbid small talk.
nice weather we're having...
god fearing boy
god fearing sandwich making boy
i can corrupt him
maybe you should paint with color now and then
|kiss muah kiss muah kiss muah
||[06 Feb 2004|09:07am]
I love this weather. I love the rain. I love how it makes all the color fade into gray. My bird sees me. I'm going to hold her. Life...it's okay right now.
Happiness is waking up in your bed, to your alarm, hearing you breathe. I love that the second thing I see in the morning is your face. The first is the ceiling.
You're great in bed.
html I need to learn.
Work is good. I'm working my way up on the Dennys chain. Work is great. I just don't like mornings. My car is wonderful. Life is okay.
*J-me and Klaudia
What's the deal with Janet Jackson's tit?? Who fucking cares...
God Bless America my home sweet home.
Something confused me on my way home from my Jew's this morning. I saw a car with a sticker that had a Jesus fish eating a Darwin fish and it read, "Survival of the fittest." But here's what I don't get: Survival of the fittest is a Darwin thing...am I correct? So what's up with that sticker? Does anyone else understand what I'm saying...??
|fix me to a chain around your neck
||[01 Feb 2004|05:09pm]
so i was drugged
it was that or have a panic attack
the past two days have sucked
I don't know
Hmm I hope today gets better
I need it to get better
I feel like crying
||[01 Feb 2004|12:03am]
how are you today
fuck you im fine thanks
how fuck you are you
im good fuck you
tell the wife and fuck you kids i said fuck you and hello
Things don't seem to be as easy as they used to be It's getting harder everyday to think of better things to say about what's going on around you and what's happening inside you When it's time to change you won't know how It won't matter here from now No matter what you think or do or say Everything turns grey
so many updates... so much hurt inside every inch of my body and soul right now. so much nothing. shut up. you're shit. fuck you.
This is it, the darkest hour Isn't it depressing how our Minds create an atmosphere That won't happen here unless we make some new demands To grasp the future in our hands You know I wish I could but it's too late for senseless minds that love to hate No matter what they think or do or say Everything turns grey
Just a friendly reminder:
shut up. you're shit. fuck you.
|my heart beats for the sprinkler system
||[31 Jan 2004|11:41pm]
I don't know if I should still be angry at you. I don't know if I should appologize. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. I don't think that "copping an attitude (fatherly line)" was so inappropriate for the situation. I understand you were trying to protect me but you can't do that all the time. Especially when it's too late. You could've at least pretended to be happy for me. I don't know if I'm ever going to have a day off again after mid next week. I don't know if I care. I don't know if the feeling I get is real or just me wishing too hard that it is. I don't know what you're thinking...ever. I don't know why I'm still living out the days I spent with him in my mind. Picking out all the happy moments and peicing them together, making it seem like it was too good to be true when I know deep down it was hell. I don't know if I'll sleep tonight. I don't know if my heart can handle this stress. I don't know if the phone is ever going to ring and have my fathers voice on the other end. I don't know why I get my hopes up. I don't know why I'm surprised when people have no/lose faith in me. I don't know why I'm surprised that some people have disowned me. I don't know why I still reach for that ring. I don't know why I don't cry as much as I used to. I don't know why I cried today. Why do I care what you think? You can't possibly mean that much to me. I don't know why the ring is off on the cell phone. I don't know why this light is still on if it's bothering me so much. I don't know why I'm typing this much. No one reads this anyway and if they do I'm sorry. You probably haven't made it this far...stop typing Jen. Okay.